I miss you more than words could possibly say
as often as i remember your smile
I miss you everyday
except the occasional once in a while

but then i’ll say, your eyes look precious under the sun
as we stared into each other souls
that’s what they call love, and surely it’s fun
achingly whole … and not alone

I miss what might be the ghost of you
what could, and could not be
I miss infinite and your adieu
I miss the bondage that I had called ‘free’

the multitude of words today is a big fat lie
except that i miss you as if i could die

I struggle to write rhymes about happy times
I want to explore what it truly means to die
And I mean this, death in all its glory
A funeral where no soul lets out a cry
A cremation for the sake of dignity
For my body to experience the scorching flames
Which my soul would not in the everlasting
Christ
I want to go through the motions of my everyday
Sleep wake, pray bake
Go to school late
Write or at least try
Fall in love, so I can break my heart and cry
Stare with starry eyes and an open jaw
At how easily you’d point out all my flaws
But still say you put your trust
In me
A guy that refuses to eat the pizza crust
And I feel you’re amazed about how I speak to you
As though you are a thousand people at once
As though my thoughts are way beyond these words
These words of love
These words of God
These words are a struggle
A delightful strife we all call life
Edging closer and closer to a release that sets us free
The kiss of death
As glorious as the breath of life
As odd as the way your eyes pierce mine
Maybe that’s all that life is
The way this energy flows between us
The way you felt something when I told you,
“I struggle…”
The way you respond,
“I do too,…”
In this simulation, I’ll be a fool everyday
And I’ll say
“I understand”
Hoping, just a little, that you will tell me
“Me too”
That movement, of snow sliding down the mountain
And your heart, pounding in your chest
Of a baby being born and a lamp to the slaughter
To your favorite coffee shop and your growing cancer
All is one
All is God
I’m not going to say I love you
Because I can’t control that I do
But if you know me as much as I know you
Maybe you will never know
And that is the truth
I hope you find this
Buried deep in my thoughts
I’m mad, but it’s not a problem
Because at least i’m not sad

Oh God I pray, that you make me strong enough to survive and be joyful each day.
Oh God I pray, that you hear me speak these words.
Oh God I pray, that you cherish my friends and my family.
Oh God I pray, that you bless this planet that we live in.
Oh God I pray, that you Remember me on the days I’m weak
Oh God I pray, that I can continue to write out my emotions

That i don’t give up
and that i don’t forget God,
That I always Remember,
and that you never Forget. Amen.

***Whispered Prayers

Would you even notice if I stole some of your happiness?
Would you even notice if I said I ‘burrowed’ it? just for a little while
Do you even see me standing on your window pane at night
I’m the same size as the spiders crawling in your heart.

Do the sounds of the sirens scare you?
It’s almost midnight
Will you open the blinds to look out?
Will you see me finally smiling across the street?
Would you wave at this stranger looking at you because you recognize this face?
Be honest, will you let me get away?
Will you tell the police you never saw my face?
Will you tell them you don’t remember my name?

Do you even remember?
The song I sang?
About a time I was in Moscow?
About how you looked different but beautiful knowing I could taste your makeup with each kiss on your cheek.
Do you remember I spoke about being enlightened?
I’ve learnt a lot since then

That i’m stupid and that i’m dumb
And that man should never play God?

Do you remember how I looked across the road before I took of?
The tears in my eyes or the blood in my mouth from biting my tongue to not scream that ‘I am sorry’?

Do you remember the castle we built next to the beach?
Our kingdom, our paradise.
How we had dug it up from underneath the first snow of the season
How I had shared with you everything that had touched my soul
After that heist with all the love that we stole.
I drenched my half in petrol and lit it.
And it hurt so much to look.
Have you ever seen a melting heart?

I had begged you not to cry,
And I let you weep into my chest when you couldn’t hold it in?
Would the sun ever shine like it used to?
Will the night be less dark?

Will the unicorn I rode return to me?
Will the Lilies becomes Roses with my blood?
Will my flaws haunt me till I’m in the grave?
Do you even remember your flaws?

Of course not,
You filled a hole, but grew
Blossoming like the Cherry Blossoms I write about so much about
Then withering like a Rose in Stockholm’s cold storm
I’m sorry I couldn’t bless you with my patience.

You looked in Peace, how I probably caused you sleepless nights
how I never did everything possible.

Maybe one day, after legions of actions
After I’ve crossed seas and been buried in ash
After I’ve crawled from the dust and beneath the sand, I’d find this memory deep in my chest.

This memory that wasn’t real
This memory that never happened
Of a starry night
Heavens lights
And An angel and Devil
That fell in love.

When it’s hardest for them to cope!
When they want to disappear!
Why do they bleed slowly?
And sink away into a thought of a bleak tomorrow?

So that they grow!
And the scar tissue hardens
Stronger than bones
That even sticks and stones
Are comparably soft
And brittle to touch

Why then do they cry?

For they do not see yet, their tomorrow
And do not see their wings!
Or hear the birds sing!

“The moon is gone
The sun is rising
It’s golden hour”

She deserves to smile
For what was, is gone
And she shall create what will be.
Not with a whimper
But with a bang
She will fly high again
With a smile

Wipe tears
Forget fears
Sip warm liquor
And contemplate on your rigors
None of it will be in vain
I’m falling asleep now (writing) on this night train
But promise me this.

That you dream happy thoughts

And in morrow time when I ask what happened
And why you had seemed so somber…
You cheer gleefully
And say
you forgot.

I hope it gets better swiftly
.

Sincerely Yours,

A messenger of good tidings.

Happy
Happy
Happy

Gone away
Left alone
What happens when they are sad
How do they overcome
Howe do they believe
What makes them feel
Whole
Complete
Not depressed not mad
Not sad

Crying
Breaking
Aging
Facing the changes

Living with no life
Living and taking in each stride
Neglecting spiritualism and pride

Blind to all the hate
They face, alone
Alone